“My partner refuses foreplay, what to do? “


In theory, sexuality is no longer taboo. In practice, there are questions that we dare not ask anyone … In any case, anyone who can judge us (partners, friends) or recognize us (doctors, shrinks). Some confessions are bottles in the sea, anonymous, which are almost private diaries. Some questions, on the other hand, could concern millions of people and would benefit from being discussed collectively. For years now, the columnist of “La Matinale” Maïa Mazaurette (who is not a sex therapist, let us remember!) Has received hundreds of messages. She now answers them once a month, as part of her Sunday column, with her proverbial good humor – and her very personal obsession with a host of statistics.

The idea that my partner masturbates when I’m not around bothers me a lot, what should I do?

Some couples share their masturbations, others prefer to compartmentalize. Both formulas have their advantages. Nobody asks us to choose our side: spaces of transparency and a secret garden can perfectly coexist … provided that our partners avoid any excessive intrusion. Which brings us to your case, dear reader.

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In your e-mail, you specify that you do not conceive of any disapproval of masturbation: since the pleasure in itself does not pose a problem for you, the inconvenience necessarily comes from the pleasure taken. without you. Here we are faced with three possibilities: what is unbearable to you, it is either the autonomy of your partner, or your absence in itself, or the presence of an exogenous element (the thoughts which cross the mind of your partner, the gestures, sextoys or phantasmal supports that he uses).

Do you see an arsenal of diagnostics looming on the horizon? Bingo! Will to control and possession, infantilization of the spouse, fear of abandonment, jealousy without an object… All of this is very charming (when one is a masochist). But excessive psychiatrization would make us lose sight of your question, which is all in all very practical: what to do? Well, we can feel disturbance without letting it dominate neither our existence nor the existence of our loved ones. We can be more courageous than our emotions. Dear reader, let your partner masturbate. Only. As much as he wants, as he wants, by consulting the sites that excite him, by resorting to the fantasies that make him come. This is not only the only reasonable solution, but also the best – for him, and for you. If you can’t get rid of your anxieties, face them. And don’t give them anything.

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